Peter Morwood writing as Nigel Molesworth: MY BAKTERIAL CANNON
Notes
from the inimitable Nigel Molesworth, found in time for Follycon (the British
National SF Convention, 1988):
MY BAKTERIAL CANNON - AN ESSAY ABOUT SCIENCE FIKSHUN
SCENE: A Skool somwhere in Britain in the World in Space.
A Klassroom. Footsteps aproach thump thump shufle shuffle. The
Master enter. He is an English Master this is unmistakable as he
hav suede boots a tatty old tweed jaket with lether elbows and a
red tie wondrous to behold such is its splendor. He hav a new
sort of book not by weedy wordsworth or any other wet and weedy
writer of peotry and is fired with enthusiazum which all must
share. So keen is he to begin that he spring upon his chair as
to a sadle and joris and he etc. regardles of tacks drawing pins
rat traps hedgehogs and other surprises secreted by tiny pupils
for his amusment. He clear his throte HARUM HURR HARUM HARR it
is like a motorbike and not a new one but that cranky old grid
owned by the Latin Master you know the one it has not worked
since he bought it from Julius Ceaser and neither has he but
never mind. Master look at pupils over glasses thinking this
make him seem WISE. It akchually make him look like a frog in a
buket but no skolar is rash enuff to say so.
He spekes. ALL STUDENTS WILL RITE SHORT ESSAY ON V.
INTERESTING SUBJEKT. 1500 WORDS ON SCIENCE FIKSHUN BY END OF
PERIOD AND NO XCUSES OR ELSE.
Master having given this command open his book a mitey
volume with v. thrilling cover and xciting title BATTLEFIELD
EARTH. As sound of pen and head skratching fill the air with ink
and dandruf he commence to read with much evidence of enjoyment o
fear o woe...
Of coarse ther is SCIENCE fikshun and science FIKSHUN. My
bruther Geoerge sa that this depend on wether ther is inteligent
thougt and proper science such as maths geom chem physix etc in
it or not. It is about WHAT MITE HAPEN and people like I. Asimov
R. Heinlein and A. C. Clarke write this mostly. They read works
of SCIENCE for research which is of course swotting and write
them too so that in fikshun they often get it rite such as men on
the moon and satelites and TV and things like that. Ther fotos
hav bald heds thick glasses and stern strikt xpressions with
mitey wiskers they look like maths masters 10000 years old
and v. wise they could stun you with a thougt. Somtimes writers
like these breke out (but not in spots like my bruther Geoerge it
is a thing parents sa when Aunt Jean do something outrageous you
kno Aunt Jean every family hav one and not walled up in the celar
where she should be either the strange one who drink sherry at
Xmas then dance on the table.) When writers breke out they write
diferently to ushual eg R. Heinlein who when fed up with wisdom
and being Prophetik produce a thing like STARSHIP TROOPERS which
is ful of xciting combat bombs guns xplosions and other things
deliteful to all boys (and some gurls too perish the thort.)
The other sort of science fikshun MAKES IT UP. This is the
sort of science fikshun in the movies which is full of death rays
laser pistols giant spaceships monsters wams booms and other
xplosions. This is because death rays laser pistols etc. look
beter than a x b (c - d) pq + rs espechully in 70mm stereo as
------------- x -------
d x c (b - a) xg - ng
not even Dolby can do much about the above equation unlike Asimov
Clarke etc it is what they thrive on and xplains ther fierceness.
Geoerge Lucas who made STAR WARS that super movie WIZZ made it
all up by cribbing everything he had ever read or seen and mixing
it all together. This too is research but if the master catch
you at it he do not accept the xplanation and you get six or a
deten for copying. ANYWAY the movie was a grate sukcess and made
pots of money bekos by researching as he did Geoerge (Lucas not
my bruther) appealed to ALL (it sa here.) He hav good guys bad
guys funny little robots giant spaceships that rore overhead no
matter that Asimov Clarke Heinlein etc hav said 1 milion times
THERE IS NO NOISE IN SPACE it is all in this skool at braketime.
Geoerge get out of this one by saying AH BUT IT IS A SPACE
FANTASY SUCH AS I SAW IN MY YOOTH. True i suppose. Flash Gordon
a grate space hero flew around in space ships that sound just
like the Latin Masters motorbike and also like it and him they
smoke fritefully. But that was years ago and Geoerge should kno
beter by now. Still it is a grate movie and paved the way (posh
prose eh?) for many others like it e.g. ALIEN THE BLAK HOLE
ALIENS PREDATOR no thoght no science just a lot of noise but fun
for all that. I like them anyway and so does my bruther Geoerge
(not Lucas).
Tee-hee for TV or how the gogle box got in on the akt. In
america of coarse they had programs like TOM CORBET SPACE CADET
and such stuf with Now a Word From Our Sponsor at the xciting
part to keep you watching. In Britain the BBC gave us QUATERMAS
in 3 parts and if the monster had caught him ther would have been
4 or 5 parts more. They woried that the tinies would be fritened
and so had a fritening Voice at the begining which sa This
Program Is Not Suitable For Children Or Those Of A Nervous
Disposishun which was beter than A Word From Our Sponsor and made
certain that all would watch. This praktice is no longer used as
saing it before a Party Political Broadcast would seme rude.
ANYWAY the BBC then gave us DR. WHO cheers cheers with grate
monsters like Zarbi and Daleks which all children watch with
gusto from behind the sofa saing loudly Me scared i never was
etc. My bruther Geoerge calls Daleks the Tin Terrors and The
Dustbins Of Doom and claims to diskard them but i hav seen him
hide with my own eyes. Then came STAR TREK that grate show with
pointed ears and hailing frequencys WIZZ and all zoomed about
saing Beam me up Scotty especialy when diskovered in some CRIME
by a master but it never worked chiz (a chiz is a swiz or a
swindle as any fule know). My bruther Geoerge sa he likes
Klingons beter with bushy eyebrows and wiskers (like I. Asimov)
but I sa if he want to wear caterpilars on his face that is his
bisness and nothing to do with me. STAR TREK of coarse hav becom
an INDUSTRY with comix books models toys games pyjamas and other
worthy things such as 4 movies with grate speshul efekts in
partikular Capt. Kirks wig and corset coo ur gosh one would think
him no older than Gran. My bruther Geoerge sa that when you look
at Kirks head you kno where all those tribbles went.
STAR TREK is by no means (more posh prose tick and gold
star for good work) the only thing in comix. Perish the thort.
The Yanks came first agane with Superman in wizzo blue tites
while at that time in Britain ther was just The Amazing Wilson
who could not fly and had no cloke but still went about with his
underwer on view to the Publik tho living on Dartmoor in winter
as he did brr brr he wore black long combinations instead of red
Y-fronts and quite rite too. Ther hav been more Comic characters
than my bruther Geoerge hav opinions which is saing somthing.
They are of all shapes and colors (the characters not the
opinions except somtimes) like Batman and Catwoman and The Hulk
who is green and the Thing who is orange (thogh there is nothing
political about these two i think) and some who come from space
and some who live under the sea like Namor the Submariner and all
zoom to and fro and fight each other it is most confusing. The
writers of these comix are v. famous to those who read ther work
such as L. Wein who write about Green Lantern who is green and
Blue Beetle who is blue C. Claremont who write about X-Men a gang
of rowdies just like this klass but even more brave noble
fearless etc one of them is blue too and M. Wolfman who write
about Teen Titans more rowdies there are no blue ones just a
green one and about Dracula who for once is not a speshul color
tho with a name like Wolfman you would have thoght he would write
about other wolfmen but never mind. Some comix are science
fikshun but most are FANTASY which means that they need not MAKE
SENSE eg no need to xplain properly how Superman can fly (ther
are reasons but none that any Master in this skool would believe
in a science essay) or why he wears his underpants outside his
trousis.
This makes people think that fantasy is EASY and they write
it without doing any research since they can make everything up
and sa WELL ITS A ONLY A FANTASY ISNT IT? I hav no time for
snekes bulies oiks and other cads but somtimes swots can be usful
eg they avoid howlers blunders and the sort of mistake that make
careless writers look DIM. A. McCaffrey write science fikshun
about spaceships and such ushual things but also about dragons
that brethe wizzo Flames and fly not by magic which is the ushual
thing with dragons but because of SCIENTIFIC REASONING and asking
skolars how it might work. My bruther Geoerge sa that if she had
tasted skool curry she would kno all about brething fire without
needing to ask skolars anything.
Some people if asked what is nesesessery in fantasy would
say a hero who is super tuough with mitey ripling muscels a big
sword and fierce burning eyes like the skool cat when it has
eaten skool curry. This of coarse is Conan the grate hero of
stage and screen (yes well i kno stage is wrong but it looks
better than comix and screen) who if you believe all you read hav
been everywhere seen everything and stuck his sword in it.
Akchually the stories by R.E. Howard are better than that but
when anyone else tries to write a Conan story they look like the
above since writing like him is dificult unless you are another
looney and most people are not xcept Sigismund the Mad Maths
Master who is uterly bats and more crooked than the angle A.
He shot himself with a gun (R.E. Howard not Sigismund which is a
chiz) which was dopey since if he hadnt he would be RICH.
There are now gurls in this sort of tuough stern fantasy which is
a bit awkward espeshully when sometimes they are fiercer and hav
bigger muscels than the men.
The other sort of fantasy is not so tuough and fierce, but
the books which it is in go around in threes to protekt
themselves like some people at this skool i could mention. It
hav heroes who do not hav such big muscels but who are v. noble
with long pedigrees just like ther horses which make you wonder.
The goings-on are also v. noble and digniffied which mean the
action happen v. slowly even when the charakters seme to zoom
about on ther noble chargers at close to mach 1 or similar. They
speke like ivanho and robin hood and say thou a lot and use many
long words some of which are real. Lots of these books hav made-
up historys and maps in them and this makes the book RICH which
is a word often seen on the cover (not rich with lots of money
like R.E. Howard would hav been and like the writers of the books
want to be but rich like plumcake and other food that taste nice
but make you sick if you eat too much at once. This is why rich
is a good word to put on some covers.) In fakt the historys and
the maps hav nothing to do with making the books seme rich but
are so that the writers kno where they are at in the story. Tho
from some of the books i hav read they must hav used the wrong
map or somone elses history or sometimes both. Of coarse some of
these grate books are so huge that by the time they are finished
the writer is v. old and ocasionaly they die just as ther book
becomes famous and the Publik begin to clamor for more of the
same just as happens in skool when there is jely or treakle tart
for afters. In skool of coarse the cries for more go unheeded as
in that grate book O. Twist by C. Dickens but when a bookmaker
(not that sort of bookmaker you fule a publisher) sees MONEY to
be had he will make lots of effort to get it (just like the other
sort of bookmaker in fakt) by finding out what else the grate ded
writer has left lying around the house viz. old envelopes bills
laundry lists etc. which hav almost but not exaktly nothing to do
with the first book. Publisher then bears these off rubing his
hands with glee and puts them inside covers that are almost but
not quite exaktly the same as the first book which was such a
grate sukcess. Publisher then sits back and counts the money as
it comes roling in. My bruther Geoerge reads this sort of book
so for once he hav nothing to say.
Ther are lots of other things that can be said about Science
Fikshun and Fantasy but since you mite meet people at this
convenshun who can do it beter i will let them do it instead
becos i am going home to watch it on TV.
(With apologies to the late Geoffrey Willans and none at all to
nigel molesworth the goriller of 3b and the curse of st
custard's.)